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Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.