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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
That moment when you wake up at 2 o`clock a.m and remember how crappy that after earth movie was and you go back to sleep immediately
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.