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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
So... Where does one obtain minions?
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.