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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
I liked you better before we met.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.