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I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.