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PRINCIPAL: are you the new english teacher? TEACHER: yes i are.
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!