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have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
You had me at 0 mutual friends