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I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"