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Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.