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I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
No means no! Unless she`s dyslexic; then it`s on!
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs