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In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I hate when I put food in the microwave & it starts makin explosive noises so I check and it’s cold like why you gotta play me like that.
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."