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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.