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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
my wish for tonight is for the person reading this status to have a Good Night!
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.