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I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.