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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
Please do not read this.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.