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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it`s safe to say it was a pretty sh!tty chameleon.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.