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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.