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I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
The only thing instant glue sticks to instantly is fingers.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.