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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper