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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I`d rather shit in my hands and clap !"
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.