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I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.