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The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.