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You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."