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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
My life coach just benched me.
People in glass houses shouldn`t masturbate during the day....
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
I need a partner in wine.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"