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You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming