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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.