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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s facial expressions than men have reading women’s. That’s mostly because we’re not looking at their faces ...
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.