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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
What about a To-Don`t List?
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.