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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
My house has really let itself go.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?