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It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
It’s not that I’m old, your music really does suck.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.