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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.