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If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.