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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.