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Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.