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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
so apparently there is no such thing as a St Patrick`s Santa and I`m not sure whose lap I just sat on at the mall.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.