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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
In space they just call it "Jam"
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.