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Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?