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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"