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That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters on poles.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.