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Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.