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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I`m not your boyfriend.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.