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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.