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Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
When your running down the street on fire, people will get out of your way
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.