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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.