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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!