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Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
The fastest way to get someone to call you back is to take a shower.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
How long does it take to get obsessed?