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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.