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When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt