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Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.