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She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.