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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.