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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?