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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Sweating is for people who do stuff.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...