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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there