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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
My relationship is like an iPhone, I don`t have an iPhone.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling