Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
what if the princess wants to be with bowser, but mario keeps kidnapping her
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.