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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
If you`re bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Dad: Son its a fact that masturbation can lead to blindness. Me: Dad... Im over here ..
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.