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During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
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I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)