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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
Have you hugged you bartender today.
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
The statement ‘Hey! Calm down!’ has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.