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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending Iām not excited.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
Born free. Now, Iām expensive.