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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Inviting a friend to play Candy Crush Saga is like hosting an intervention and providing the crack.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.