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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Ya, Wednesday sucks but… it could be Monday!
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
I just did some calculations and I`ve been able to determine that you`re full of sh!t.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!