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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
drinking while working out...it`s called Bacardio
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.