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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
I wonder whether I can trust doctors with dead plants in the waiting room.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.