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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
Never laugh at your wife`s choices. You are one of them :)
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day