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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever`s bugging you.
Well, all I have to say is TGIF. (Post this on any day but Friday to get comments)
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I`ve never heard of.
When I think of a good status in the shower, I run out dripping & naked and post it before the internet ends and it’s too late.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.