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Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.