Daily Silly Status

If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.

This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory

I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.

When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??

When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)

I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.

Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.

I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.

Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.

I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.

When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.

Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.

I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?

It’s not pretty being easy.