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The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.