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Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
There`s a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
So who wants to tell the person who just threw a new phone book on my porch about the internet?
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.