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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.