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Optimism? Sure, it`s worth a try. I don`t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.