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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever