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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
ok ladies quick question?,say a guy wanted to wear a thong does he tuck shirt in or out? Asking for a friend.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.